9. Difficulties and ProblemsEmpathic acknowledging--a blend of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments--sometimes affects the emotional intimacy of two people involved in a conversation. Before proceeding with this chapter, here is some information which you may find useful at this point:
Now to proceed with the difficulties and problems: To help you weigh the rewards versus the risks of an investment in learning and doing empathic acknowledging, information about some of its "risks" may be useful. Being forewarned also may help you sustain your motivation to continue learning despite periods of meager rewards. The presentation of the problems is organized into three categories: energy expenditure, learning obstacles, and miscellaneous. Energy Expenditure ooooooooLearning empathic acknowledging skills by reading books and articles about them is not enough. You have to use them in your conversations again and again. Sacrificing some of your time and energy to practice these skills is something you cannot avoid. Practicing the key skills of controlling the urges to help and to talk can lead to difficulties. Controlling the urges to advise, comfort, encourage, etc. the person with whom you are conversing may drain your energy. Controlling the urge to talk about your interests and concerns may also drain your energy. One reason for the possible energy drains is that more energy is needed to change a habit if it is ingrained. And I believe that for most of us the following statement is true:
Some of us may find it extraordinarily difficult to use more empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments. Examples are people who are constant talkers or constant helpers. Constant Talker:ooo I am eating dinner in a restaurant. In the next booth are two couples in their fifties. One of the men, who I will call Conrad, is talking 95 percent of the time in a voice which I can hear but people 20 feet away cannot. The other man and the two women either nod or utter one-sentence comments. I am annoyed by Conrad's constant talking invading my privacy, which prompts me to think: That man is a constant talker and never would have married his wife if she were one too. He never would have become friendly with the other couple if either of them was a constant talker. He was attracted to these three people because they cheerfully listened to him and rarely interrupted. He does not realize that he has a strong need to be listened to that propels him towards people who will listen to him. This need is at the core of his psychological being. If a more aggressive talker wins the competition with him for grabbing the openings to talk, Conrad will become upset, and will not know why. In order to do empathic acknowledging, Conrad would have to turn his psychological being inside out. He may not be able to do this. Constant Helper:ooo Nancy is a mid-level manager in IBM whose supervisors view her work as outstanding. Her workday is crammed with activities such as deciding which of eight applicants to hire as the unit's senior secretary, and advising its chief programmer on supervising an errant programmer. Although her job requires working at a fast pace, she loves it. Whenever I would talk to her about my concerns or problems, she would interrupt within three or four minutes to give me advice for which I did not ask. Even when I asked her simply to listen, she never would. Nancy is a high-powered problem solver who cannot turn off her advice-giving machine at the end of her workday. As she listens to me, she cannot stop thinking about how to help me, which distracts her from listening to and understanding my issues. One reason she loves her job is that her need to advise people is an integral part of her psychological being. In high school, her friends called her "the fixer" because she excelled at suggesting solutions to their problems. At home, her parents expected her to help them raise her younger brother and sister. Her functioning as a junior parent began soon after her brother was born when she was eight years old. Two years later, her sister's birth added a second responsibility. Much of Nancy's sense of self and self-esteem was derived from people's appreciation of her fix-it and caregiving activities. She would have to turn herself inside out in order to be able to listen without thinking of how to help. Miscellaneous oooooooo Even an expert empathic acknowledger may encounter difficulties and problems. Some examples:
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Empathy, Listening Skills, and Relationships is a short version of this website. Listening Skills and Relationships is a discussion board which includes messages from me and my responses to messages from others. To read or post messages, you do not have to register. Visit the board to read questions and answers, ask or answer questions, share experiences, etc. Empathy contains a description of a conversation with a United States Copyright Office representative during which I used empathy. Listening Skills contains a description of listening to my wife talk about her grocery shopping trips. Communication Skills illustrates my use of nonverbal "listening skills" during a conversation to assess whether the other person is receiving my message. Listening Skills Professional explains why I advocate that society establish the profession of empathic listener as a profession separate and independent from that of psychotherapist. Empathy and Listening Skills illustrates the difference between understanding the information the other person is saying to you versus understanding the meaning to her of saying the information. Copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005 by Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D. |