8. Explanation of SkillsEmpathic acknowledging--a blend of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments--sometimes affects the emotional intimacy of two people involved in a conversation. Before proceeding with this chapter, here is some information which you may find useful at this point:
Uniqueness of Empathic Acknowledging oooooooo You do not emphasize remembering information communicated by the talker but do emphasize comprehending the meaning to him of the information communicated by him. For example, Al remembering that Pamela took a giant step towards her deep-seated goal of marriage and motherhood is less important than Al comprehending what Pamela's taking this step means to Tom. Your listening also emphasizes a mini-experiencing of the feelings communicated by the talker. For example, Al senses Tom's excitement about Pamela's engagement. The empathic acknowledger focuses on "tuning in" to the talker's inner world. Approving of the Talker oooooooo This is the most important empathic acknowledging activity. To explain why, we recall that Al responded to Tom's interest in talking about Pamela's engagement by thinking: Why should I care about hearing his good news? He doesn't care about a lot of people. He's a damn bigot! Al wanted to say that he did not have time to listen because he had too many chores to do that afternoon. However, he re-evaluated and concluded: I resent his bigotry but not the rest of him. This is truly an important day in his life. This conclusion led Al to change from disapproving to approving of Tom--a change from viewing him as a bigot to viewing him as a caring father. He then decided to listen to Tom. If Al had continued to view Tom only as a bigot, he would not have listened to him. Even if he had decided to listen, he would have done it poorly because of being distracted by thinking about Tom's bigotry and resenting his bigotry. This discussion of approving of the person talking ends with the following statement of bad news:
Notice that Al switched from listening to talking for three reasons:
Of these three talking activities, the most important one is acknowledging. It is often called reflecting, a term derived from the phenomenon of a mirror feeding back the image of the person looking into it. When the listener reflects, he feeds back the talker's communication to him by summarizing the words spoken and/or labeling the feelings transmitted. If the communication were only one sentence, then paraphrasing would be an appropriate reflection. Three important characteristics of acknowledgments are that they:
To illustrate, we will use one of Al's acknowledgements, which was: "You're no longer worried about Pamela now that she'll be achieving a goal she believes is essential." If he had psychologized about Tom's message, he might have either added to this acknowledgment or substituted for it the following: "You're pleased about her engagement validating your good job of raising her." Tom did not say that he believed his parenting of Pamela was validated. Deep down he might have thought this but an acknowledgment deals only with the obvious. We need to keep in mind that Al is Tom's neighbor, not his psychotherapist. Acknowledging is valuable because it gives the talker an opportunity to correct any misunderstanding of his communication. Even more valuable is that acknowledging confirms for the talker that he has been heard and understood. An example is when Al acknowledges to Tom "You're no longer worried about Pamela now that she'll be achieving a goal she believes is essential." Tom then feels that his profound relief about his daughter's engagement has been understood. Although acknowledging can enrich conversations, unfortunately few of us do it. For every 100 people, only 2 know of it and its value.5 The Joyous Skydiver oooooooo A fragment of a conversation between two friends will elaborate on another empathic acknowledging skill. Ann (Acknowledger) is appreciating Teresa's (Talker's) enjoyment of talking about skydiving even though Ann would be terrified to skydive. "Yesterday I did my best jump," Teresa declares with a joyous voice and sparkling eyes. "I knew exactly when to open my chute. I had the most control ever." "You're delighted with how you handled the chute," Ann responds. [acknowledges] "Yes, but it's more than that," Teresa says. "This jump was also the most thrilling for me. I was less nervous so I could get more into the experience of free fall. After a jump, I feel great for at least a week no matter what problems in my life come up...." And Teresa continues to tell Ann about her skydiving hobby. She enjoys describing an activity she values and experiences as thrilling. As she talks, an electric feeling courses through her body. Technique Question.ooo Should Ann have asked Teresa about the danger of skydiving? Perhaps you are thinking: If I were Ann, as soon as I heard about the skydiving, I would interrupt and make sure Teresa was not denying the danger and maybe try to persuade her to stop. I am not going to worry about her becoming angry with me for not acknowledging her joy from skydiving or about her being offended by my cautioning her. Being a friend means sometimes putting up with being resented. I am not advocating that you suppress voicing your concern. However, there is the option of listening to and acknowledging your friend's joy from skydiving, and afterwards cautioning her. This method of cautioning is more likely to influence her than interrupting to caution. Of course, there is not always time for both listening and cautioning. To follow the unfolding of this website on empathy, listening skills, acknowledgments, and emotional intimacy, read Chapter 9. Difficulties and Problems next. NOTE: Reading the table of contents will help you understand the following links, which appear on every page of this website:
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Empathy, Listening Skills, and Relationships is a short version of this website. Listening Skills and Relationships is a discussion board which includes messages from me and my responses to messages from others. To read or post messages, you do not have to register. Visit the board to read questions and answers, ask or answer questions, share experiences, etc. Empathy contains a description of a conversation with a United States Copyright Office representative during which I used empathy. Listening Skills contains a description of listening to my wife talk about her grocery shopping trips. Communication Skills illustrates my use of nonverbal "listening skills" during a conversation to assess whether the other person is receiving my message. Listening Skills Professional explains why I advocate that society establish the profession of empathic listener as a profession separate and independent from that of psychotherapist. Empathy and Listening Skills illustrates the difference between understanding the information the other person is saying to you versus understanding the meaning to her of saying the information. Copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002. 2003, 2004, and 2005 by Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D. |