7. Basic SkillsEmpathic acknowledging--a blend of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments--sometimes affects the emotional intimacy of two people involved in a conversation. Before proceeding with this chapter, here is some information which you may find useful at this point:
Al (Acknowledger) is a white civil rights activist who has fought racial discrimination in housing and jobs. He has often heard his white neighbor Tom (Talker) voice contempt for entire groups of people, such as African-Americans, Jews and Hispanics. Al resents Tom's bigotry. (Notice that the empathic acknowledging activities of Al are printed in bold type.) One Sunday afternoon, as Al is washing his Ford Escort in his driveway, Tom runs out of his house and across the street to Al. He huffs and grins as he says: "Pamela just called to tell me that Dave committed himself to her!" Al requests clarification: "Committed himself?" "Yes, he proposed over brunch at Denny's," Tom replies. "They're getting married in two months." When Tom's daughter called, his wife and 16-year-old son were at the town's shopping mall. There was no one at home with whom to share his joy. His inner world at the moment is his joy about his daughter's engagement and interest in expressing his joy. Al perceives the obvious--that Tom wants to tell him more about the good news. However, he is upset that Tom wants him to listen. Al says to himself: Why should I care about hearing his good news? He doesn't care about a lot of people. He's a damn bigot! Change in Al's Attitudeooo Al wants to say that he does not have time to listen because he has too many chores that afternoon. However, he chooses to tolerate being upset a bit longer in order to decide whether to tell Tom he is too busy. Al thinks: I resent his bigotry but not the rest of him. This is truly an important day in his life. This new thought leads Al to change from disapproving to approving of Tom, now viewing him as a caring father. He then decides to give Tom more time and is able to pay attention to Tom's verbal and nonverbal communications--words, voice tone and facial expression--because he is no longer distracted by thinking of him as a bigot and resenting his bigotry. He is listening with both his head and heart. His head comprehends Tom's words about Pamela's engagement and his heart experiences Tom's excitement about it. Although Tom does not say he is excited, his body language--broad smile and animated voice--communicates it. Al acknowledges Tom's communication: "You're excited about Pamela's good news." "I'm excited and also relieved," Tom responds. "Pamela envies her two sisters because they're happy with their husbands and children. She's 34 and the oldest, you know, and was distressed about not finding a man with whom to share her life and have children. It upset me that she felt unfulfilled." Al is pleased for Tom and acknowledges Tom's communication: "You're no longer worried about Pamela now that she'll be achieving a goal she believes is essential." "Yes! She's deeply in love with Dave and had many sleepless nights when he was away in the Gulf War," Tom says. "He came out without a scratch but has flashbacks about it." Then he stops and scrutinizes Al's face because he remembers that Al has always adamantly refused to talk about his combat experiences in Vietnam. Al, sensing that Tom is bursting with things to tell, encourages him to continue by saying "Go on." "Well, he told Pamela that since he decided to ask her to marry him, his flashbacks aren't as bad," Tom says. "But it took him two weeks before he got up the nerve to ask her. Can you imagine that!" And Tom continues to openly and joyfully communicate to Al his inner world at the moment--thoughts and feelings about Pamela and Dave and their relationship. To follow the unfolding of this website on empathy, listening skills, acknowledgments, and emotional intimacy, read Chapter 8. Explanation of Skills next. NOTE: Reading the table of contents will help you understand the following links, which appear on every page of this website:
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Empathy, Listening Skills, and Relationships is a short version of this website. Listening Skills and Relationships is a discussion board which includes messages from me and my responses to messages from others. To read or post messages, you do not have to register. Visit the board to read questions and answers, ask or answer questions, share experiences, etc. Empathy contains a description of a conversation with a United States Copyright Office representative during which I used empathy. Listening Skills contains a description of listening to my wife talk about her grocery shopping trips. Communication Skills illustrates my use of nonverbal "listening skills" during a conversation to assess whether the other person is receiving my message. Listening Skills Professional explains why I advocate that society establish the profession of empathic listener as a profession separate and independent from that of psychotherapist. Empathy and Listening Skills illustrates the difference between understanding the information the other person is saying to you versus understanding the meaning to her of saying the information. Copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005 by Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D. |