5. Controlling the Urge to HelpEmpathic acknowledging--a blend of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments--sometimes affects the emotional intimacy of two people involved in a conversation. Before proceeding with this chapter, here is some information which you may find useful at this point:
This chapter explains the importance of controlling the urge to help and of "being present" with the other person during a conversation Helping versus Not Helping ooooooooThis skill will be described by commenting on the anecdote of Anita expertly using empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments with Tanya. When Tanya condemns herself for being unable to tell Ben she loves him, Anita responds by acknowledging Tanya's problem: "You're saying that no matter how hard you try, you can't get yourself to tell him you love him, and you feel awful that you can't." She does not try to help by advising, for example : "Maybe it would be easier to tell him in writing. Tanya, why don't you write him a letter?" She does not try to help by comforting, for example: "I don't think there's anything wrong with you for not being able to tell him you love him. You're just shy about these things." She does not try to help by encouraging, for example: "Hang in there, Tanya. I'll bet in a month or two you'll be able to tell him." Improving your control of the urge to help might be facilitated by following the following advice:
Being Present oooooooo Most of us rarely think of empathic acknowledging as a way of being present with the person talking. Instead we usually respond to an upset person by giving advice or words of comfort--two common ways of trying to help. Although these are well-intentioned responses, they, for example, would have interfered with Tanya talking out and explaining her feelings, and thereby feeling less distressed. Advising, comforting, encouraging, and other help-oriented verbalizations interfere with more than the other person's talking because these verbalizations stem from our thinking about how to help, which interferes with an essential activity of empathic acknowledging--thinking about what the talker's words mean to her. Being present involves thinking about what the talker's words mean to her, not what they mean to you. If you want to help when, for example, conversing with an upset person, you may find it useful to keep in mind the following thought:
To follow the unfolding of this website on empathy, listening skills, acknowledgments, and emotional intimacy, read Chapter 6. Controlling the Urge to Talk next. NOTE: Reading the table of contents will help you understand the following links, which appear on every page of this website:
Empathy, Listening Skills, and Relationships is a short version of this website.
Listening Skills and Relationships is a discussion board which includes messages from me and my responses to messages from others. To read or post messages, you do not have to register. Visit the board to read questions and answers, ask or answer questions, share experiences, etc.
Empathy contains a description of a conversation with a United States Copyright Office representative during which I used empathy.
Listening Skills contains a description of listening to my wife talk about her grocery shopping trips.
Communication Skills illustrates my use of nonverbal "listening skills" during a conversation to assess whether the other person is receiving my message.
Listening Skills Professional explains why I advocate that society establish the profession of empathic listener as a profession separate and independent from that of psychotherapist.
Copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005 by Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D.
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