2. Psychological HugEmpathic acknowledging--a blend of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments--sometimes affects the emotional intimacy of two people involved in a conversation. Before proceeding with this chapter, here is some information which you may find useful at this point:
Now to begin the presentation on the psychological hug: One of the important benefits of empathic acknowledging is the psychological hug. To explain why a conversation partner who is being empathically acknowledged sometimes feels like she or he is being hugged, we begin with the concept that the psychological hug, similar to a physical hug, is an expression of affection by a special type of touch. The affection and touch of the psychological hug will be explained by an anecdote, which also illustrates basic empathic acknowledging skills. These skills will be presented in more detail in Chapter 7. Basic Skills. The anecdote describes a conversation between two women who are friends. However, empathic acknowledging can be used in a conversation between a wife and husband or between any two people in which one of them is talking about something important to her or him. The Upset Friend oooooooo Tanya and Anita, who are in their twenties, meet for lunch one Friday after not having talked with each other for two months. Their conversation will be presented and then discussed. (Their conversation may be easier to follow if you think of the "T" in Tanya as also being the first letter in Talker and the "A" in Anita as the first letter in Acknowledger. And notice that descriptions of the acknowledger's activities are enclosed in brackets.) Delight oooooooo "I saw Ben yesterday," Tanya says. "You remember Ben? I told you about him last time." "Sure. You met him a month before our last lunch and found him attractive." "That's right," Tanya says, eyes sparkling. "Since then I've learned that he's good for me. We've been seeing a lot of each other lately and getting close. I'm excited!" As Tanya begins to pour out the details of her recent experiences with Ben, Anita says to herself, I was going to tell her about my super vacation plans but this relationship sounds really important to her. I'll wait and listen to her news first. [suppresses the impulse to talk] Five minutes later, Tanya concludes with her announcement "Last Tuesday he told me he loved me" followed by her exclamation "I couldn't believe it!" After listening for the entire time without saying a word, Anita says "Wow!" [acknowledges Tanya feeling overwhelmed by Ben's declaration of love] "I still can't believe it," Tanya says. "I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to tell him." "I don't understand," Anita says. "Did he expect you to say how you felt about him?" [requests clarification] Distress oooooooo "I didn't think so but I wanted to say something and yet I didn't want to," Tanya says. "I'm confused." Her face changes from pink to pale and she stops talking. "It's hard for you to talk about this." [acknowledges] "I didn't think it would be so hard but I do want to tell you," Tanya says. "I, uh, I feel strongly about Ben." She struggles to speak but again stops, and her face turns paler. After waiting ten seconds, Anita says "And what else?" She then resumes being quiet and waits for Tanya to regain her ability to speak. [encourages Tanya to continue] Emotional Intimacy ooooooooSixty more seconds pass and then Tanya's jaw tightens as she says, "I want to tell you how I really feel about him. He's a wonderful man and I'm, uh, I'm very fond of him." She pauses. "I'm more than fond of him. I, uh, I, uh, I love him. There, I finally said it. Whew!" As she listens to Tanya open up emotionally, Anita develops a lump in her throat and a warm feeling in her chest. She gulps, pauses to collect her thoughts, and softly says, "It's hard for you to talk about your love for Ben." [acknowledges] "Definitely," Tanya says. "After Tuesday, I decided that the next time I saw him I would tell him how I felt about him. Well, the next time came and I still couldn't tell him. There must be something seriously wrong with me." "You're saying that no matter how hard you try, you can't tell him you love him, and you feel awful about yourself because you can't." [acknowledges] "Right!" Tanya says. "I've been keeping it to myself and becoming terribly upset about it. I'm glad I told you because you didn't criticize me for not speaking up. Your understanding touches me." Her face relaxes and begins to regain its color. With affection in her eyes and gentleness in her voice, Tanya says, "I feel better. Thanks for letting me talk." "Glad to do it", Anita says. Her face brightens as she says "Now I want to tell you about a two-week vacation in Cape Cod I'm planning, which I can't wait to begin." Then she leans forward and delightedly describes her plans to Tanya, who, because of no longer being upset, is able to listen attentively. Discussion ooooooooAnita does not interrupt Tanya to give advice or talk about her interests, such as her vacation plans. She does not voice disapproval of Tanya's inability to declare her love to Ben. Instead Anita tunes into each of Tanya's communications--of joy or struggle or inadequacy feelings-- and then feeds back the essence of these communications to Tanya. Tanya appreciates Anita not criticizing her for hiding her love for Ben from him. She experiences Anita's use of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments as being given to by her--gifts of time, attention, not being interrupted, and not being criticized. And she experiences receiving these gifts as receiving affection. Her inability to tell Ben she loves him is a painful problem. She prizes her relationship with him and the opportunity to tell an empathic person about it. She responds to her narration by initially becoming upset and later feeling better. Anita's empathic acknowledging enables Tanya to get in touch with her thoughts and feelings about a man close to her heart, which leads her to experience Anita as touching her heart. Tanya's experiences of affection from Anita and of her heart being touched by Anita combine into a feeling of being affectionately touched--hugged. Anita's psychological hug helps ease Tanya's distress. This feeling of being hugged also strengthens Anita's and Tanya's good relationship. To follow the unfolding of this website on empathy, listening skills, acknowledgments, and emotional intimacy, read Chapter 3. Benefits for the Talker next. NOTE: Reading the table of contents will help you understand the following links, which appear on every page of this website:
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Empathy, Listening Skills, and Relationships is a short version of this website. Listening Skills and Relationships is a discussion board which includes messages from me and my responses to messages from others. To read or post messages, you do not have to register. Visit the board to read questions and answers, ask or answer questions, share experiences, etc. Empathy contains a description of a conversation with a United States Copyright Office representative during which I used empathy. Listening Skills contains a description of listening to my wife talk about her grocery shopping trips. Communication Skills illustrates my use of nonverbal "listening skills" during a conversation to assess whether the other person is receiving my message. Listening Skills Professionals Listen Empathically -1 explains why I advocate that society establish the profession of empathic listener as a profession separate and independent from that of psychotherapist. Empathy and Listening Skills illustrates the difference between understanding the information the other person is saying to you versus understanding the meaning to her of saying the information. Copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005 by Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D. |