Empathic acknowledging--a blend of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments--sometimes affects the emotional intimacy of two people involved in a conversation. Before proceeding with this chapter, here is some information which you may find useful at this point:

• The table of contents contains a brief description of every chapter.
• There is a short version of this website on empathy and listening skills.
• I, Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D. wrote this website.
• I run a discussion board on the subject of this website.

Now to begin the presentation on empathic acknowledging: Why does the conversation activity of empathic acknowledging sometimes improve relationships and deepen emotional intimacy? Why does it sometimes lead to a conversation partner feeling like she or he is receiving a hug--a "psychological hug?"

The answers begin with a description of empathic acknowledging, which will be accomplished by presenting and discussing the anecdote of the astonished man.

I was walking to the exit of a four-story parking building next to a five-story medical clinic. The day was Friday, the time was 2:25 pm, and the building was crammed with cars. A man who appeared to be 75-years-old walked in. As he neared me, he stopped, turned towards me and said: "Are they giving something away today? I've never seen it so crowded."

He appeared unable to believe that the building was filled to capacity.

"I'll bet it's because many people don't work on Fridays, so it's convenient for them to schedule their appointments on Fridays," I said.

My response did not acknowledge either his perception of the building as crowded or his astonishment that it was crowded. I had given him an explanation, not an acknowledgement.

"It's not because it's Friday. I usually come here on Fridays and it's never been this crowded," he said.

"It is very crowded today, and I don't know why," I said.

Finally I had acknowledged his perception that the building was crowded! He probably would have been more satisfied if I had also acknowledged his feeling by adding, for example: "You're astonished that it's so crowded."

Discussion:ooo I tried to acknowledge the astonished man's statement because of my interest in this activity. Otherwise, I would have responded by saying something such as "That's interesting" or "I hadn't noticed" and continued walking to the exit. I am not advocating that you spend your valuable time acknowledging the statements of every person you meet.

One reason for my mediocre job of acknowledging was my preoccupation with arriving for my appointment on time. Another reason is that I, an empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments expert, continually work on improving my skills, similar to a violinist with a major symphony orchestra practicing several times a week even after the end of the concert season.

I did not know why the man was astonished about the parking building being filled. What did matter was that he was astonished, and felt impelled to share his astonishment with another person, me in this case, and have me acknowledge it.

If I had continued talking with him, I believe that my use of empathy, listening skills, and acknowledgments would have increased my potential for establishing a good relationship with him.

Empathic acknowledging is an integration of listening, empathizing and acknowledging. For example, I listened to the astonished man and empathized with his perception that the garage was full (but, unfortunately, did not empathize with his astonishment). I acknowledged him by spending my time empathically listening to his statement and acknowledged his statement by stating my understanding of it. One of empathic acknowledging's key characteristics is captured by the following statement:

You honor the person talkingwhen you spendthe time to listenandthe energy to pay attention.

To follow the unfolding of this website on empathy, listening skills, acknowledgments, and emotional intimacy, read the 2. Psychological Hug chapter next.

NOTE: Reading the table of contents will help you understand the following links, which appear on every page of this website:

HOME

CONTENTS

WARNING

INTRODUCTION

1. EMP. ACK.

2. PSYCH. HUG

3. BENEFITS I

4. BENEFITS II

5. URGE TO HELP

6. URGE TO TALK

7. BASIC SKILLS

8. EXPLN. SKILLS

9. DIFFICULTIES

10. ESSNL. ACK.

11. WHEN ACK.

NOTES

ADDNL. READING

APPRECIATIONS

AUTHOR

If you liked this site, e-mailing me your thanks will reward me for creating it and help sustain my motivation to keep it going for future visitors.

My Other Websites on Empathy and Listening Skills

Empathy, Listening Skills, and Relationships is a short version of this website.

Listening Skills and Relationships is a discussion board which includes messages from me and my responses to messages from others. To read or post messages, you do not have to register. Visit the board to read questions and answers, ask or answer questions, share experiences, etc.

Empathy contains a description of a conversation with a United States Copyright Office representative during which I used empathy.

Listening Skills contains a description of listening to my wife talk about her grocery shopping trips.

Communication Skills illustrates my use of nonverbal "listening skills" during a conversation to assess whether the other person is receiving my message.

Listening Skills Professionals Listen Empathically -1 explains why I advocate that society establish the profession of empathic listener as a profession separate and independent from that of psychotherapist.

Empathy and Listening Skills illustrates the difference between understanding the information the other person is saying to you versus understanding the meaning to her of saying the information.

Copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005 by Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D.